This year has been hard. I think I've done more grieving in the last 11 1/2 months than the 2 years before.
It was hard in April, when I went to Disneyland for the first time without my dad. It was hard in May, when I broke down backstage before a choir concert, longing for my dad to be there to help me through the nerves. It was hard in June, when my birthday past and my dad wasn't there to celebrate or share wisdom. It was hard in July, when I spent the anniversary of his death at a camp where I heard the story of a man who lost his wife to colon cancer (the same disease that took my dad) and met a young man who lost his dad at a young age.
I've cried so many tears this year, but through each of these seasons and moments, I've more quickly pulled close to my Heavenly Father God, handing over my hurts, confusions and desires as He wraps me in grace and reminds me that He is enough and then sends people made in His image to care for and love me and know my hurt like he does.
I used to think that suffering was supposed to make you stronger by making you immune or desensitized to future suffering. I was wrong. Through the struggles God has brought me through, the most important thing I have learned is what to do with my hurt. Through loss of a parent some learn independence, but I've learned dependence, not to take care of myself but to turn to God. God is here for me, God loves me, God wants to hear all about it and God will bring me to the other side of this better than I started.
He has so many different ways of doing that and this year they have been so unexpected! In April He used a Bible verse about His faithfulness and a quote about having fun to set my attitude when I wanted to spend the weekend moping. In May, He used an emotional explosion, and a formerly intimidating choir director to make me feel cared for and prepare me for the most peaceful concert I have ever experienced. In July, He used a phone call to a friend who was hurting as much as I was to get all the feelings out of myself so I could enjoy a last evening with my friends.
So this year has been hard, and who knows, next year might be harder, but next year I hope I trust God even more. I hope that when it hurts, I won't tell myself I should be over this but just tell God what I'm feeling and let Him hold me. I also hope it doesn't take a panic attack for me to let someone know that I'm struggling, even if I don't know that they'll understand. Humans are part of God's design for taking care of other humans, and there is something beautiful about seeing God's love through another person or even yourself. I don't want to hinder that in an attempt to protect myself or others.
Abba God,
Please teach us to turn to you with every hurt, to let you hold us and all our anxieties. Teach us to remember in every situation that we don't have to face life alone, help us to open up our hearts to you and others and to see and accept your provision however it comes! Help us to praise you for it and remember your faithfulness!
I love you!
AMEN!
Happy December and Merry Christmas!
-L.
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