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Tuesday, July 9, 2019

In The Words of a Father

Happy July!
     One thing I've learned along this journey is the importance of fathers in revealing aspects of God's character. So I've invited a fathers in my family to show us a glimpse of that, by sharing the most important things he tells his own children. I'm so excited to share his responce!
-L.

The Most Important Things I Tell My Kids
-David Mataya
As I contemplate the important things I’ve shared with Morgan and Riley over the years, I’m reminded that how I tell them something is nearly as important as what I tell them.  C.H. Spurgeon rightfully said, “When we have to do a severe thing, let us choose the tenderest manner”.  I remember this applying so often as a father. I always underestimated the impact of how I shared, and perhaps still do.  Whether in happy and fun conversations, or in discipline and correction, my heart and demeanor spoke much louder to my children than my words alone.  They would tell you today that I often got this ridiculously wrong, but hopefully their memories are full of examples of God helping me to get it right.  
With the how in mind, here are some key things I tried to repeatedly share:
“I love you”… This may seem like an obvious way to start, but these words can be absent too easily or devoid of true meaning.  Alongside my wife, Colleen, we would remind our children of the actions of love (1 Corinthians 13), love manifested as a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), and the ultimate picture of love in our Heavenly Father (1 John 4:9-11).  These three words should have meaning to any human child, but they can come alive in the Christian home and our kids knew God set a pretty high bar for what “I love you” really means.
“Please forgive me”… Or often, “I’m sorry”.  It’s so important to bring humility into the father-child relationship.  Nothing reflects humility more than seeking forgiveness, and I don’t know a parent yet who wouldn’t find opportunity to seek it.  There is a time for “I’m sorry” as well. As David Powlison once wrote, “Forgiveness is for sin, apologies are for accidents”. I found ample opportunity for both as a dad.
“Don’t tread on God’s grace”… Never take for granted the cost of His love and forgiveness.  Love Him more because of it, and never think sin doesn’t have a consequence. It put Christ on a cross.
“If someone gives you an inch, don’t be the kind of person who takes a mile”… Recognize the inch and be thankful.  Don’t create expectations that only serve to encourage entitlement or disappoint.
“Mom is more important to me than you are”… Ok, I didn’t really say this.  Or maybe I did! In any case, our kids knew that our marriage relationship was radically important and that we parented as one.  
“I appreciate that, but”… This one will make my kids laugh.  There was much eye-rolling when, after making their case on any given subject or request, I would reply with “I appreciate that”, then go on to tell them why it was a terribly bad idea.  However, even if my appreciation was tongue-in-cheek, it did mean that I had taken the time to listen before any rebuttal.
I could add many more, but in the end, I realize I have very little to say.  However, God has everything to say, and that makes my role as a father possible and valuable.  As a reflection of Christ, we as parents should be the most tangible evidence of grace in our children’s lives.  Hopefully our kids hear that loud and clear, no matter what we feel is important to share.

Friday, June 7, 2019

Father's Day Without Dad

     For almost 8 years, Father's Day has been the hardest day of the year for me. Birthday's and anniversaries can be acknowledged and then ignored, because few people in my life even know when they are, but Father's Day is all about the most important person who is missing from my life. Dad's are honored in church and on social media, and I think that's awesome, but it's hard for me because it reminds me of my loss. If this post caught your attention, then Father's day probably isn't your favorite day of the year either.
     I compiled a few ideas to make Father's Day less about the very real void in our lives and more about the blessings! I realize that not everyone of these will make sense for each and every one of you, but I hope at least one will help bring a little joy into your Father's Day!

#1. Celebrate Men Who Support You

      I posted the following on Instagram and Facebook last Father's Day:

     "Father's Day has been a difficult season ever since I lost my dad to cancer in 2011. Every year different thoughts go through my mind and I end up recognizing something new. This year I want to thank several men in my life. Here's why:  Ever since losing my dad I've had this faint hope of one day finding someone to be my 'father figure' and fill all the space my daddy left. That hasn't happened yet and even if one day someone seems enough like a father to me that I would ask him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding I know that even that man will never be just like my dad.  That said, there are several men whom God has brought into my life who have made an enourmous difference for the better! Some have given me the comforting hugs I miss so much from my dad. Some have prayed with me. Some have discussed my theology questions with me. Some have bought me ice cream or grilled delicious food for me. Some have been there to support and congratulate me at plays, concerts, tournaments, and my High School Graduation. Some have helped me with car and/or computer trouble. Some have helped me through anxiety and grief. Some have encouraged me in my strengths. Some have called me out and helped work on my weakness. Some even read to me as a kid, and they have all meant the world to me! So Happy Father's Day, [Insert names of like 20 incredible men, including my brothers, uncle's, pastors, and dad's of my friends]"
     Notice that no one of the men above replaced my dad, but they all had a profound positive impact on me in my "fatherlessness." If anyone has done this for you, I'd encourage you to let them know this Father's Day!

#2 Celebrate Good Memories

     If you have good memories with your dad, Father's day might be a good time to spend remembering them. Maybe look at old photos, cards, or gifts he gave you, or invite your mom or siblings to tell stories. It might be painful to remember, but I've found that looking back helps me to be grateful for the father I had and to appreciate the difference he still makes in my life!

#3 Celebrate Your Father in Heaven
    
     No surprise that a post on Never Fatherless brings it back to the LORD as Heavenly Father. I know the idea of God as Father can be challenging for some, but if it is an encouragement to you, spend some time this Father's Day thinking about and celebrating how God is a good father to you. Here's a post I wrote in 2016, celebrating God for Father's Day: The Best Father Ever

Thank you for reading! I hope these ideas encourage you and I will be praying for you this Father's Day!
-L.