Hello!
Welcome to June!
I recruited a friend of mine to help out with this one so you can get two peoples perspectives. She has been a huge encouragement to me in my walk with God and her dad passed away a few years after mine did.
I set this up kinda like an interview with questions in black, my answers in green and my friend's in pink. I hope this is helpful and please know that if you have ever done one of the things I say not to do, I still love you and I understand. These conversations are hard and I only mentioned it because people say it all the time.
Bombshell moment:
You just asked a question about someones dad and they respond a little awkwardly that he passed away. The guilt hits. You're so sorry! You had no idea! and what on earth are you supposed to say to comfort this person who's now buried in a sea of grief that you just summoned.
First of all, take a deep breath and realize that you probably didn't bring every bit of grief rushing back, you probably didn't even ruin their day (yet). This has probably happend more times then they care to remember and they just feel as awkward and unsure of what to say as you do.
Beyond that I can't give you a script for moments like these. The best thing you can do is read and follow their cues.
If they seriously look like they are welling up with tears, then a hug and an "I'm sorry" may be appropriate. "I have no idea what that must be like" is more believable than "I understand". If you've been through something similar you can tell them that, it helps us to know that you understand a little better than most and to feel some compassion for you too. Saying "I'm here for you" goes father than you know if they know you mean it.
If they look like they don't want to talk about it and would rather continue the conversation you were having before, please move on. They'll appreciate getting out of the awkward position more than you will.
Let's be real here, it doesn't just come up randomly, but it also comes up quite awkwardly. You tell your short story of how your dad died. They look down. "Oh I had no idea...I'm so sorry that must be so hard" is the reply of someone who doesn't know what to say and unfortunately there really isn't a better way to say it. In my opinion. I'd rather the person not drag it out and ask a ton of questions of how it happened but encouraging them of who they are, and how well they've carried themselves since the death of their dad.
Say you heard about what happend from someone else and you really want to say something to let them know that you know and you care but you don't know how.
Honestly, knowing that one more person in my life knows that I lost my dad and cares enough to make the awkward step of telling me so I don't have to make the awkward step of telling them, is super encouraging. So, my advice: a simple "I heard about you're [insert deceased loved one] and I want you to know that I'm really sorry," is plenty. Please don't feel like you have to say more, if they want to talk about it more they will probably tell you. If you have a similar story it could be helpful to let them know. It helps so much to know when people around me are in a similar boat. Mostly it's just good to know that someone around me knows what happened. It can be so uncomfortable to be in a room full of people who have no idea and it's nice to know that someone knows about that part of my story/situation. It helps me not to feel so alone.
A friend of mine recently said to me "You know I just found about your dad, and I just want to let you know that I would LOVE to have that conversation with you about WHO your dad was to you. I want to know him through your eyes."
That's probably the BEST way to tell me you care about not just me, but what happened to my family. You want to know about the person that I lost, not the sad story of how I lost the person. So much more personal and much more caring. Instead of rehashing things for that person, you're helping them grieve.
So, what about at the funeral?
Something I really appreciated from my friends at my dad's funeral is that they let me know that they cared about me and they didn't pressure me to feel a certain way. The moments I remember from the reception aren't when someone told me something really profound about death or grief or even my dad, they were when someone gave me a heartfelt hug, one little girl told me I was her best friend, and I got to watch my cousins playing on the grass outside. Like she said, we want some normal, some real life to tell us that things can be okay again.
Also, when people knew my dad from another context like work, it was really great to hear stories about my dad or what he meant to them.
About two years after my dad died I was at an award ceremony, and when they read off my last name someone who worked with my dad recognized it and came up after to ask if I was related to him. He told me that he was sorry for my loss and that my dad was really great to work with. Simple, almost cliche, but truly appreciated.
"They're in a better place now" is the one thing you DO NOT say ever to a grieving person. You say "I love you." You say "Do you want to grab coffee sometime? Just to get out and have some kind of normal?" You say "I loved *this quality* about your Dad." You hug them. You cry with them. You hand them tissues. But the big thing is you ask if you can take them out somewhere. That person's life just majorly shifted, and the one thing they want is to be treated like a person. They need to get away from crazy sometimes, so take them for lunch. Get a group of friends together and go mini golfing. Sometimes in this instance, actions speak louder than words.
General Do's and Don'ts
Do: Take them out for coffee and help them get their mind off of things.
Don't: Take them out for coffee to get information.
Do: Give hugs if you don't know what to say.
Don't: Avoid them if you don't know what to say.
Do: Ask them how you can be supportive. Follow through with your words.
Don't: Invade their space. If you have reached out to them and they haven't responded, then give it some time and ask again.
Hope this helped! Feel free to look around and type in your email in the box near the top right of the page to follow along with my journey.
-L.
