Today I'm gonna do something a little different and focus on those of you who haven't lost a father or anyone close to you, but have a friend who has. I'm sure there are times when you don't know what to say. In these posts I'm gonna focus a lot on the first few conversations you have about it and then maybe we'll follow up in a few months with some more advice for supporting people long term.
I've been thinking about this almost non stop for a week and I think I boiled down what I really want you to know into one statement: There are only two things you can bring to a grieving person that are truly unique to you: Your story and your love for them. Focus on those.
With that in mind, let me share a few principles that I hope will help you navigate your next conversation with a grieving friend and avoid some common mistakes.
If you don't have anything sincere to say don't say anything at all
Trust me, this person has probably been very disillusioned about a lot of things. It will be nearly impossible to convince them of anything comforting, much less something you don't believe yourself.
Don't make assumptions
You probably don't know what they are feeling so don't act like you do. Don't try to answer questions they haven't asked, or help them through an emotion or struggle they haven't expressed. Grief can include a range of emotions including but not limited to: loneliness, confusion, guilt, and even joy and hope. Don't assume you know what they are feeling at a particular moment.
Let people know that you are there for them and then if they want to talk they will reach out, if they have questions they will ask. If they don't, don't force them. Just stay available.
Also, don't assume that you know where their lost loved one is, especially if you didn't know them. I almost didn't bring this up because it is so controversial and unpleasant, but the person you are talking to probably has a better idea of where their deceased loved one is than you do and if you say something like "He's in a better place" they will either know and have heard it a thousand times, or disagree for a variety of reasons and be completely unwilling to change their mind just because you said it. Either way they will probably want to throw something so just don't go there.
Also, don't assume that you know where their lost loved one is, especially if you didn't know them. I almost didn't bring this up because it is so controversial and unpleasant, but the person you are talking to probably has a better idea of where their deceased loved one is than you do and if you say something like "He's in a better place" they will either know and have heard it a thousand times, or disagree for a variety of reasons and be completely unwilling to change their mind just because you said it. Either way they will probably want to throw something so just don't go there.
Love
If you know their love language focus on that: If they're a physical touch person, give them hugs, and hold their hand as appropriate. If they crave quality time, take them out for coffee or on a hike. (Don't be afraid to have fun but also be willing to sit still if they need to talk or cry.)
The best thing a person has done for me is let me know that they aren't afraid of my grief and they are willing to stay with me while I experience it. It's actually really rare to have someone do this because watching other people emote can be so uncomfortable, but when people can let me cry and don't let me feel bad about it, it builds so much trust. I am way more likely to open up to someone again just because I know that my emotions don't scare or trigger them, than because they are a pastor, or they found the perfect words that one time, or really any other reason.
Pray without ceasing
Like I've said, you don't know what someone needs, but God does. Let God lead you, even if it means going against your own instincts or one of my principles, He's a lot better at this than me. Sometimes people say the right words to me at the right times and I wonder how they knew, because someone else in a similar situation would respond so differently.
Different people need different things at different times. Only God is all knowing and He loves them more than you do.
I'll be back in a few weeks with some thoughts from me and my friend on more specific situations. In the meantime, let me know in the comments if you have any questions for us to address in that post.
-L.
For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you.
Philemon 1:7 ESV
Different people need different things at different times. Only God is all knowing and He loves them more than you do.
I'll be back in a few weeks with some thoughts from me and my friend on more specific situations. In the meantime, let me know in the comments if you have any questions for us to address in that post.
-L.
For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you.
Philemon 1:7 ESV
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