Merry Christmas!

Isaiah 9:6 (NIV)

For to us a child is born,
    to us a son is given,
    and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
    Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
    Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Not Alone: A Glimpse at My Continuing Journey with Grief and God

     This year has been hard. I think I've done more grieving in the last 11 1/2 months than the 2 years before.
     It was hard in April, when I went to Disneyland for the first time without my dad. It was hard in May, when I broke down backstage before a choir concert, longing for my dad to be there to help me through the nerves. It was hard in June, when my birthday past and my dad wasn't there to celebrate or share wisdom.  It was hard in July, when I spent the anniversary of his death at a camp where I heard the story of a man who lost his wife to colon cancer (the same disease that took my dad) and met a young man who lost his dad at a young age.
     I've cried so many tears this year, but through each of these seasons and moments, I've more quickly pulled close to my Heavenly Father God, handing over my hurts, confusions and desires as He wraps me in grace and reminds me that He is enough and then sends people made in His image to care for and love me and know my hurt like he does.
     I used to think that suffering was supposed to make you stronger by making you immune or desensitized to future suffering. I was wrong. Through the struggles God has brought me through, the most important thing I have learned is what to do with my hurt. Through loss of a parent some learn independence, but I've learned dependence, not to take care of myself but to turn to God. God is here for me, God loves me, God wants to hear all about it and God will bring me to the other side of this better than I started.
      He has so many different ways of doing that and this year they have been so unexpected! In April He used a Bible verse about His faithfulness and a quote about having fun to set my attitude when I wanted to spend the weekend moping. In May, He used an emotional explosion, and a formerly intimidating choir director to make me feel cared for and prepare me for the most peaceful concert I have ever experienced. In July, He used a phone call to a friend who was hurting as much as I was to get all the feelings out of myself so I could enjoy a last evening with my friends.
   
     So this year has been hard, and who knows, next year might be harder, but next year I hope I  trust God even more. I hope that when it hurts, I won't tell myself I should be over this but just tell God what I'm feeling and let Him hold me.  I also hope it doesn't take a panic attack for me to let someone know that I'm struggling, even if I don't know that they'll understand. Humans are part of God's design for taking care of other humans, and there is something beautiful about seeing God's love through another person or even yourself. I don't want to hinder that in an attempt to protect myself or others.

Abba God,
     Please teach us to turn to you with every hurt, to let you hold us and all our anxieties. Teach us to remember in every situation that we don't have to face life alone, help us to open up our hearts to you and others and to see and accept your provision however it comes!  Help us to praise you for it and remember your faithfulness!
I love you!
AMEN!

Happy December and Merry Christmas!
-L.

I am Loved: Psalm 139

     It's been a long time! I miss this place so much! I'm hoping to get it a bit more happening around here, but while I'm clearing away the cobwebs and dusting off my study books I want to share with you the chapter in the Bible that convinced me that God truly adores me as His precious daughter.
     In the summer of 2016 was getting really frustrated about this crush I had and my church small group leader recommended that when I was tempted to worry about it I spend time with God reading and thinking about scripture instead. She recommended Psalm 139 as a place to start.
     As I read it day after day I was blown away by the personal, and thoughtful way that David described God's love for him. I began to realize more clearly what care God takes for me, and what attention He gives me (and all of His kids). I didn't feel the need to worry about that boy anymore! Who can be desperate for anyone's attention and acceptance when you truly realize that God loves and accepts you so entirely and desires to be in a relationship with you? I'm sharing the passage with you below. Take a deep breath and ask the Holy Spirit to help you understand, then read slowly and let Him speak:

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.

Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

(Psalm 139 ESV)

I'll leave you with that. Would you read it a few more times though? Let it really soak in. I have read it over and over and it keeps blowing me away!

-L.

Quality Time

One thing I remember with lots of smiles is going on "dates with Dad". Every month or so my daddy took me out to a fun restaurant for dinner or ice cream and we just spent time together. There was one restaurant where they always had live music so he and I would dance. I loved it so much!

     I've been thinking recently about the importance of quality time with God. Not just coming to him when you have a problem (like going to my dad when I felt sick) although that's also important. Spending time just being still and remembering who God is and that He is present is also important.
It's a little confusing for me because I love to study the Bible. I have questions and I want to find the answers and that's good, but that isn't restful. So sometimes I think that I need to look to other things for rest but I've been so wrong about that.
     My relationship with my dad had many aspects. He helped out when I felt sick, he tried to answer my questions on everything for theology to why gravity works, we did yard work together and sometimes just spent time together.
     If my relationship with a human being can be so varied than why not my relationship with the triune God?
     So I spend time studying scripture, I spend time telling God about my day and asking him to work in the things that are on my heart, and now I'm learning to be still in his presence, to remind myself of simple truth from His word and rest, know that he is God.
-L.

What Do You Say to Someone Who is Grieving? #2

Hello!

Welcome to June! 
I recruited a friend of mine to help out with this one so you can get two peoples perspectives.  She has been a huge encouragement to me in my walk with God and her dad passed away a few years after mine did.
     I set this up kinda like an interview with questions in black, my answers in green and my friend's in pink. I hope this is helpful and please know that if you have ever done one of the things I say not to do, I still love you and I understand. These conversations are hard and I only mentioned it because people say it all the time.

Bombshell moment: 

You just asked a question about someones dad and they respond a little awkwardly that he passed away. The guilt hits. You're so sorry! You had no idea! and what on earth are you supposed to say to comfort this person who's now buried in a sea of grief that you just summoned.

First of all, take a deep breath and realize that you probably didn't bring every bit of grief rushing back, you probably didn't even ruin their day (yet). This has probably happend more times then they care to remember and they just feel as awkward and unsure of what to say as you do.
Beyond that I can't give you a script for moments like these. The best thing you can do is read and follow their cues.
If they seriously look like they are welling up with tears, then a hug and an "I'm sorry" may be appropriate. "I have no idea what that must be like" is more believable than "I understand". If you've been through something similar you can tell them that, it helps us to know that you understand a little better than most and to feel some compassion for you too. Saying "I'm here for you" goes father than you know if they know you mean it. 
If they look like they don't want to talk about it and would rather continue the conversation you were having before, please move on. They'll appreciate getting out of the awkward position more than you will.

Let's be real here, it doesn't just come up randomly, but it also comes up quite awkwardly. You tell your short story of how your dad died. They look down. "Oh I had no idea...I'm so sorry that must be so hard" is the reply of someone who doesn't know what to say and unfortunately there really isn't a better way to say it. In my opinion. I'd rather the person not drag it out and ask a ton of questions of how it happened but encouraging them of who they are, and how well they've carried themselves since the death of their dad. 

 Say you heard about what happend from someone else and you really want to say something to let them know that you know and you care but you don't know how.

Honestly, knowing that one more person in my life knows that I lost my dad and cares enough to make the awkward step of telling me so I don't have to make the awkward step of telling them, is super encouraging. So, my advice: a simple "I heard about you're [insert deceased loved one] and I want you to know that I'm really sorry," is plenty. Please don't feel like you have to say more, if they want to talk about it more they will probably tell you. If you have a similar story it could be helpful to let them know. It helps so much to know when people around me are in a similar boat. Mostly it's just good to know that someone around me knows what happened. It can be so uncomfortable to be in a room full of people who have no idea and it's nice to know that someone knows about that part of my story/situation. It helps me not to feel so alone.  

A friend of mine recently said to me "You know I just found about your dad, and I just want to let you know that I would LOVE to have that conversation with you about WHO your dad was to you. I want to know him through your eyes." 

That's probably the BEST way to tell me you care about not just me, but what happened to my family. You want to know about the person that I lost, not the sad story of how I lost the person. So much more personal and much more caring. Instead of rehashing things for that person, you're helping them grieve. 

So, what about at the funeral?

Something I really appreciated from my friends at my dad's funeral is that they let me know that they cared about me and they didn't pressure me to feel a certain way. The moments I remember from the reception aren't when someone told me something really profound about death or grief or even my dad, they were when someone gave me a heartfelt hug, one little girl told me I was her best friend, and I got to watch my cousins playing on the grass outside. Like she said, we want some normal, some real life to tell us that things can be okay again.
Also, when people knew my dad from another context like work, it was really great to hear stories about my dad or what he meant to them.
About two years after my dad died I was at an award ceremony, and when they read off my last name someone who worked with my dad recognized it and came up after to ask if I was related to him. He told me that he was sorry for my loss and that my dad was really great to work with. Simple, almost cliche, but truly appreciated.

"They're in a better place now" is the one thing you DO NOT say ever to a grieving person. You say "I love you." You say "Do you want to grab coffee sometime? Just to get out and have some kind of normal?" You say "I loved *this quality* about your Dad." You hug them. You cry with them. You hand them tissues. But the big thing is you ask if you can take them out somewhere. That person's life just majorly shifted, and the one thing they want is to be treated like a person. They need to get away from crazy sometimes, so take them for lunch. Get a group of friends together and go mini golfing. Sometimes in this instance, actions speak louder than words.

General Do's and Don'ts

Do: Take them out for coffee and help them get their mind off of things.

Don't: Take them out for coffee to get information. 

Do: Give hugs if you don't know what to say. 

Don't: Avoid them if you don't know what to say.

Do: Ask them how you can be supportive. Follow through with your words. 

Don't: Invade their space. If you have reached out to them and they haven't responded, then give it some time and ask again. 

Hope this helped! Feel free to look around and type in your email in the box near the top right of the page to follow along with my journey.
-L.

What Do You Say to Someone Who is Grieving? #1

Hey Friends!
     Today I'm gonna do something a little different and focus on those of you who haven't lost a father or anyone close to you, but have a friend who has. I'm sure there are times when you don't know what to say. In these posts I'm gonna focus a lot on the first few conversations you have about it and then maybe we'll follow up in a few months with some more advice for supporting people long term.

     I've been thinking about this almost non stop for a week and I think I boiled down what I really want you to know into one statement: There are only two things you can bring to a grieving person that are truly unique to you: Your story and your love for them. Focus on those.

     With that in mind, let me share a few principles that I hope will help you navigate your next conversation with a grieving friend and avoid some common mistakes.

Disneyland and God's Faithfulness

For the Lord is good;

    his steadfast love endures forever,

    and his faithfulness to all generations.

             Psalm 100:5 (ESV)

I am in a really great choir right now and I got to go to Disneyland with them a few weeks ago. (It was fantastic!)

     While we were traveling, I found myself thinking of my dad a lot. As a wondered why I realized that this would be the first time I went to Disneyland since my dad passed away. I had actually never been to Disneyland without him before and the last time we went was while he had cancer. It brought back a lot of memories.

     I remembered how he hung out with me when I was too scared to go on some of the thrill rides with the rest of the family. I remembered holding tightly to his strong arm while we sat next to each other on the roller coasters I only braved because he was there with me. While I waited in line for Soarin' Over the World with my friends I remembered a picture of myself standing in line next to him while he sat in a wheel chair weakened by cancer.

     When I saw the sign for the World of Color show I remembered talking on the phone with him while the lights colored the water around me one night. He had gone to my uncle's house early because he was tired from the long day. I was feeling crazy anxious without knowing why, and he asked God to fill me with a peace that surpasses understanding.  I felt really blessed and humbled when I remembered that. There was my dad trying to get some rest for his exhausted, dying body and he takes the time not only to answer the phone but to pray with his anxious daughter and leave her with a reminder she would carry years after he had died, that even when anxiety passes understanding God offers peace which does the same. All we have to do is tell him what's on our hearts.

     During this last trip I found myself experiencing a lot of unexpected emotion. Thinking of my dad so much in a group of people who I'd just met a few months ago and who knew nothing about my dad was really hard and led to feeling even more alone. I ended up praying a lot which is a really good thing. In turning to God with my loneliness and grief I found confidence that he is always there for me.

     I would be sitting on the bus or in my room feeling so alone and then I would start to pray and I would feel God's presence like he was standing right in front of me assuring me not only that He is present but that he is with me. He's paying attention to both my surroundings and my heart and He is looking out for me. He is better than any father I could ever ask for!

     While I never really ceased to know that, it did keep hitting me that God's original design was for every person to have a mom and a dad, so my frustration with the lack of dad in my life (which I kept being reminded of as my director mentioned his kids and my friends their dads) isn't unnatural or wrong. It's recognizing that fatherlessness is a result of the fall, no matter how it comes. (More on that in another post [I hope]) In the midst of that realization I started asking God 'why' sorts of questions and begging him (like a have several times over the years) to give me someone to fill that empty space in my life. The number of times I have told myself and others that God already fills that role as the Father to the fatherless may never stop me from wanting a human daddy. You probably know the feeling. I told God I trusted him and asked him to fill my longing as He saw fit. That was hard, but I held to the truth that God knows better than I do and a week and a half latter, I'm okay. I'm not really concerned about how any of my needs will be taken care of because the one who made me, knows how many hairs are on my head, and loves me more that I can imagine, has promised to take care of me. I will never need anything more than God and what He lovingly provides.
The same is true for you.

 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.'

Matthew 6:30-33 (ESV)

Happy May!
<3 L.

Missed you!

Happy February!
I'm sorry I didn't share anything with you the last two months!
I thought of you a lot and today I'm sharing some things I read (or wrote on my other blog) over the past few months:

I was really touched by this blog post about true beauty, and immediately thought of you: Samaritan's purse; Blogs form the field


I shared this on my other blog as part of a series and thought of you: If you trust in Jesus, you have been adopted and you have a new Father!

Reminder that God's love for you is steadfastly rooted in your identity as his child: Mystery of the Simplex: Day 10: "I Will Show You Kindness": 1 Samuel 9:7 And David said to him, "Do not fear , for I will show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan, and I will res...

Hope these encouraged you like they did me! Have an awesome Valentines Day and please comment if you have questions or want to share something awesome God did or is doing in  your life!

<3 L.